checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
