Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
