it was like his penis was on wheels.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
