maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We talked him into tasing himself.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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