Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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