just come out here and I will go home with you...
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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