ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
