she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
