I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
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