I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
