Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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