You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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