I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
