It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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