There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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