You smell like stripper and shame
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize