I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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