Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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