if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
