he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
