3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
