Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
