In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
