Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
