he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
