I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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