I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
