I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
