So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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