So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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