And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
