Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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