I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
