bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
