Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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