everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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