Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
