i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
