The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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