I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
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