Can i not drive my cunt home
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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