my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
