I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
