Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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