My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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