Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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