The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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