I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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