I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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