either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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