bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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