the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
