my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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