smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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