I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
