Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize