it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I need a burrito and a hug.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
