Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
