Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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