Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
