So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
